From the moment I could understand love, I was taught that it had to be earned, not freely given. My mother, diagnosed but unwilling to accept her Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), lived in a world of emotional extremes: love and hate, tenderness and cruelty, all colliding in an unpredictable storm. And I was at the center of it.
What It Means to Be the Target
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense and unstable emotions, impulsive behaviors, and difficulty maintaining relationships. Those who suffer from it experience extreme emotional swings, impulsivity, and a deep need to control. When left untreated, their anger is spilled onto those closest to them.
In my mother’s world, I was the one who bore the weight of it all. One moment, I was her best friend; the next, I was the cause of all her suffering. A sigh, a moment of affection from my dad, a glimpse of independence, anything could set her off. And once it did, there was no predicting how fast, how intense, or how long her wrath would last.
She made me believe I was impossible to love. In fact, she told me that to love me unconditionally, she would have had to be God.
For years, I carried that belief, allowing it to shape my entire existence. I was convinced that love would always be painful and to be loved meant I must endure the suffering. That is why I swore I would never have children. I refused to bring a life into a world where love was something to fear. I believed the cycle of hurt was inevitable.
But God had other plans.
A Love That Changed Everything
The moment I became a mother, everything shifted. When I held my children for the first time, I experienced something I had never known before: 💗 unconditional love. Pure and overwhelming. For the first time, I understood that love was never meant to be earned through pain.
God gave me the most precious gift: my boys. They are living proof that the cycle of abuse ends with me. I made a choice, one my mother never did. Instead of passing down pain, I am passing down love, compassion, closeness, and grace. My children will never have to question if they are worthy of love. They know they are deeply and fiercely loved.
Breaking Free
Recently, I took the steps to free myself from the lie that love and pain must coexist. I stepped out of a love life that was defined by suffering and into a life that is all my own. One rooted in truth, in the words of our Heavenly Father and what He says about love. And He says I am loved.
By opening my heart to the understanding that love is possible, I also recognize that I am not her.
I am my own person, with autonomy, and I do not have to take her or her words with me any longer. Although this journey has not been easy, there are moments when kindness and care still feel unfamiliar, even frightening. When someone cares for me without hurting me, it feels foreign. Sometimes, I slip back into old patterns, believing I must create suffering for myself if I want to receive love in any form.
But I am learning. Every day, it gets better. And I hold on to the hope that one day, I will experience love without fear and fully live in the glory of that truth.
Your Turn to Heal
Healing is a journey, not a destination. If this resonates with you, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What version of love were you taught that no longer serves you?
Your past does not define your future. You are worthy of a love that does not hurt. If you feel safe, share your thoughts below, or simply hold this truth close to your heart.